BAN MOVIE REMAKES IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

I originally posted this on another website so I can just copy and paste it. My take on movie remakes. This was just a short list made up of remakes I could think of off the top of my head one night. One of these days I will sit down and update this list...


First off... Get your own ideas you Hollywood dildos!!

Second... there should be rules for doing a remake:
1. The movie you are remaking should be a minimum of 20 years old.
2. The movie you are remaking should not be considered a classic. There should be a list of movies that should NEVER be remade no matter who wants to do the remake. A good example is Tim Burton doing a remake of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I love Burton's work, but NOBODY should have been allowed to remake that movie. And, he fucked it up. Visually it was cool, but the Wonka character was lame. He also fucked up Alice in Wonderland. Visually, it was also amazing, but the story sucked.


I have seen a few remakes that were really good, but 95% of them are crap and the Hollywood folk are just trying to make money off of the work of someone else. Film makers nowadays are not creative. I see maybe one good new movie a year and that is about it. A good story is usually ruined by shitty acting because Hollywood douchebags think guys like Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera are good actors. What a joke!!! The Purge may have been the best concept for a movie in the last 20 years, but..... it sucked!! They took an amazing idea and made it into a boring movie.

Another thing..... Ed Helms had NO business playing Rusty Griswold in the new vacation movie. Fuck that guy! He is one of the worst actors of all time, and now he will be playing Frank Drebin in a new Naked Gun movie. Another movie that should never be remade. Ed Helms, or anyone else for that matter, should ever play Frank. Leslie Nielsen WAS Frank Drebin and nobody will ever do it better. I can tell you right now that the new Naked Gun movie is going to be a fucking disaster, but it will hit theaters and make money so I guess that makes it ok, right?

Sorry, movies are a huge part of my life and this really pisses me off. I know I keep saying "remake," but this also includes sequels, remakes of TV shows, prequels etc. If it is an all new cast, new writers, new director etc. then it is going to suck ass. I'm not against remakes, but Hollywood is doing them all wrong.

So here is a list of movie remakes that I have seen that I actually liked.....
Fright Night (2011) This wasn't a great remake by any means, but it wasn't half bad either. Much better than expected.
King Kong (2005) I wasn't blown away by this remake or anything. I thought it was good, but could have been better.
True Grit (2010) The original was awesome, pilgrim. The remake holds its own.
3:10 to Yuma (2007) I liked this movie, but I haven't seen the original, so cannot compare this movie to it.
The Manchurian Candidate (2004) The original was pretty good, but the remake was better. I don't like Denzel and at times this movie was boring, but I am way into the MK Ultra experiments so chances are I will like any movie like this.
Ocean's Eleven (2001) The original with Sinatra and Dean Martin was fantastic. Although I hate George Clooney, Matt Damon and Casey Assflap, I was pleasantly surprised with the remake.
Halloween (2007) Rob Zombie did a great job with the backstory of Michael Myers. And then he butchered it with the shitty sequel.

And here is a list of remakes that were shit.....
Cabin Fever (2016) The original sucked. The remake is even worse.
Robocop (2014) I only watched this one because Gary Oldman is in it. Ended up being garbage.
Insomnia (2002) I love me some Al Pacino, but I just wasn't feeling this one. It wasn't bad, but wasn't good either.
Freaky Friday (2003) Freckle tits=gross!!!
The Box (2009) I loved the short film that this movie was based on, so I was excited when this movie was announced but would ultimately be disappointed. Maybe another remake ten years down the road would be a good idea if the right person were to do it.
Clash of the Titans (2010) Not the worst remake I have seen, but was still not very good.
The Karate Kid (2010) I like Jackie Chan, but come on, they weren't even doing karate in the remake. Will Smith Jr. is a shitty actor.
Rollerball (2002) This might be the worst remake I have ever seen.
The Bad News Bears (2005) I loved the Bad News Bears movies as a kid. I hate Billy Bot Buttbandit, or whatever his name is. Pretty simple math, eh?
Get Carter (2000) You will rarely ever hear me say a bad thing about Sylvester Stallone, but this remake was just bad.
Conan the Barbarian (2011) I don't know the name of the guy that played Conan, but he did a really good job. Too bad the storyline was crap, as was the rest of the acting and the directing.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) I mentioned this in the rant up above.
Alice in Wonderland (2010) This was also mentioned in the rant up above. The sequel just came out but I have not seen it yet. Tim Burton is not involved this time, but it has the same cast.
Planet of the Apes (2001) Joshua Winning of gamesradar.com said it best: "Tim Burton’s first huge flop proved that just because we have more sophisticated moviemaking techniques at our disposal nowadays doesn’t mean that we can match the charm and humanity of old-school filmmaking."
Guess Who (2005) I always hated Bernie Mac. Team him up with Ashton Kutchman and you got yourself a loser!
The Fog (2005) Horrible. That is about all I can say.
The Stepford Wives (2004) The original is a million times better than this turd. Christopher Walken was the only good thing about the remake.
Arthur (2011) Dudley Moore is awesome. Russell Brand, not so much.
The Italian Job (2003) Marky Mark hadn't really learned to act quite yet. His earlier work was not good at all. Combine that with the over acting of Edward Norton and you got yourself a shitty remake.
Taxi (2004) Jimmy Fallon is not even close to being funny.


Haven't watched yet but plan on watching.....
Point Break (2015) The original has the man, the myth, the legend... Gary Busey! Good luck topping that, remake people.
Fletch Won (not out yet) Fletch and Fletch Lives were both great movies. I think this is just a new Fletch movie as opposed to being a remake. Either way it is probably going to suck. I'm not sure who is playing Fletch, but I will probably watch it as long as it is someone decent and not a douche like Ed Helms.
Starship Troopers (not out yet) The original was really good. The sequel was one of the worst movies ever made. The third movie was better than the second, but was still bad. A remake might be good if cast properly. The CGI should be really cool.
House Party (not out yet) I am just gonna watch this one to see how big of a disaster it turns out to be.
Little Shop of Horrors (not out yet) The original was good. The 1986 remake was even better. And now someone will fuck it up, but I am mildly curious to see it.
Jumanji (not out yet) I hate Robin Williams, but loved the original Jumanji. I think this would be an easy one to remake, honestly. Yet I do have a hunch that the remake will still suck. I plan on watching it with my kids because they like the original, and will probably want to see this remake. Jack Black will be in the remake so it might not be half bad.
The Toxic Avenger (not out yet) Rumor is that Ahnold Schwartzenneggererer will be the lead role. That might not be so horrible.
Death Wish (not out yet) I liked the Death Wish series. So, is this a remake of the first movie or is this the fifth movie in the series? Eh, who cares... Bruce Willis is in it.
Gremlins 3 (not out yet) I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I loved the first two movies and my gut is telling me that this new movie will be awful, but I'm willing to give it a chance.
Mortal Kombat (not out yet) I guess a new Mortal Kombat movie could be cool.
Police Academy: Next Generation (not out yet) What an amazing series! This is not a remake from what I hear. Good thing. It is rumored that there will be some cameos by original cast members, and I have heard that Steve Guttenberg may be directing this new one.
Hellraiser (not out yet) I have to watch every single Hellraiser movie no matter how bad they might be. I think this is a brand new story rather than a remake. Maybe they should have used a different title such as "Hellraiser: blah blah blah."
Wicked (2019) "A vivid reimagining of the classic The Wizard of Oz, Wicked spotlights the untold stories of Oz's most famous (or infamous) characters..." Ok, then. you have my attention, now make this good!
Friday the 13th (2017) "The return of the legendary mass murderer Jason Voorhees in the new Friday the 13th." I'm sure I won't like it, but I must watch anyways.
Leatherface (not out yet) A prequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Hmmm. This could be really good if done right.
The Blob (not out yet) I saw the 1980's remake as a kid and it scared the hell out of me. For that reason alone, I will watch any blob movie that will ever come out. Side note: that was the only time a movie has ever scared me.
Clue (2016) I love the original and kinda want to see the remake, but I have not heard of one single member of the new cast.
Nosferatu (not out yet) I guess I will give this a chance.
Z (not out yet) A new Zorro flick. Not a bad idea. Antonio Banderas was a good Zorro, but Gael Garcia Bernal will play the hero this time. He is a really good actor and I am a fan, but I must admit that I do prefer his earlier work when he was mostly doing independent films. "Y Tu Mamá También" was really good and I recommend it.

Refuse to watch.....
The Orphanage (not out yet) Hey, lets remake a movie that is less that 10 years old.
The Naked Gun (not out yet) Ed Helms has a vagina.
The Crow (not out yet) This movie was Brandon Lee's legacy and now it will be ruined. Shocker.
Dirty Dancing (not out yet) I didn't like the original even though Patrick Swayze was a badass! The remake is going to suck.
Drop Dead Fred (not out yet) The original isn't a favorite of mine, but it was still good.
WarGames (not out yet) The original was just ok, so I could care less about a remake.
American Psycho (not out yet) No. Just... no! A remake of this movie is just pure blasphemy!!
Commando (not out yet) You're going to remake an 80's action film and make it better without Ahnold in it? Good luck with that.
Escape from New York (not out yet) The original is not considered a classic, but it damn well should be.
Heavy Metal (not out yet) NOSE DIVE!!!! Whoever is remaking this one should be shot in the fucking head. Period.
Scarface (not out yet) What idiot thinks they can pull off a remake of Scarface?!?!?! Wow. This is the worst idea ever.
Short Circuit (not out yet) Come on! You can't remake Johnny Five!!
The Bodyguard (not out yet) Didn't care for the original. Don't care to see the remake.
Flight of the Navigator (not out yet) This was one of my favorite movies as a kid so I am against a remake!
Weird Science (not out yet) This would be easy to remake, but I have a strong feeling that it will suck due to a shitty cast.
Flatliners (not out yet) There is no way a remake of this movie will be as good as the original. It's just not possible.
Tomb Raider (not out yet) I did like the original movies, but a remake just does not interest me.
Cliffhanger (not out yet) Doing a remake of any Stallone film is basically like saying "I am out of ideas. I give up on my career."
Chopping Mall (not out yet) No cheesy 80's horror/comedy should ever be remade. It's not because they were great movies or anything, but they were special to those who grew up then and were into that type of movie.
Day of the Dead (not out yet) "A group of ex-patriots bide their time in Tijuana." No thanks. Sounds boring.
The Mummy (2017) Brendan Fraser was really good in the Mummy movies. The new one (not sure if it is a remake or what) will have Tom Cruise. Enough said. PS, scientology is dumb!!
Ghostbusters (2016) Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig are both somewhat funny and a part of me does want to check this out, but I just can't do it.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (not out yet) There was a remake just six years ago, and I heard it was horrible
but I never watched it and never will. Another remake is pretty pointless unless the people making it were disgusted with the 2010 remake and are trying to do Freddy justice with a new remake.
The Craft (not out yet) I don't like chick movies, but the Craft wasn't too bad. The remake will suck. Mark my words.
Big Trouble in Little China (not out yet) The rock starring in a remake of this classic? Nah, I'll pass.
The Fugitive (not out yet) I want my family back! Remaking a Harrison Ford movie I imagine is just like masturbating with a cheese grater... it just won't work.
The Grudge (not out yet) And the award for most pointless movie remake of all time goes to............
I Know What You Did Last Summer (not out yet) Why???
Masters of the Universe (not out yet) What a ridiculous idea. Anyone who is old enough to even know what this is will not give a shit. I fall into that category.
Mulan (not out yet) I might be the only person in the world that liked the original. I saw it in the theater and enjoyed it.
Road House (not out yet) Seriously? How can you top the duo of Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott? You can't. But some jackass is going to try apparently.
Sister Act (not out yet) Unless this is a new one with Whoopi in it, I am against it.
Annie (2014) Not to sound racist, but a black girl playing Annie is just plain retarded.
Footloose (2011) Why did I not watch this remake? Because I am not gay.



TO BE CONTINUED..............

I didn't know The Box was based on a short film. I actually liked that movie. The Stepford Wives I disagree with you on. I liked that movie. Nicole Kidman was great as was Christopher Walken.

Ya know, I am not against remakes by any means. I do agree with you that certain movies should not be remade. But it all comes down to money my friends. Plain and simple. What you said about the Purge is right on the money. Great concept, poor execution.

I had no idea about most of the upcoming remakes, sequels, prequels etc. It upsets me to see this list honestly.

There's nothing that can be done about these monstrosities they call remakes but if there were something that could be done about it I'd totally be on board.

I like remakes but I haven't seen a lot of the originals so a comparison is hard for me to make.

Nevermind the 'restrictions' or 'rules' the OP suggested, just ban remakes altogether.

Atom Alexander Ames wrote:I like remakes but I haven't seen a lot of the originals so a comparison is hard for me to make.

You would probably be upset if you seen the originals and then see how bad the remakes are.

Ophion, this is an excellent write up. I am with you all the way. Film makers shouldn't even bother with remaking action movies because every good action star is now over the hill and they are basically left with just one person - Jason Statham, and I don't think he is even all that great. Now we are stuck with pro wrestlers and UFC fighters in action movies. You'd think the wrestlers would be good actors since that all wrestling is anyways, but not the case I guess.

ps I share your disgust for Ed Helms lol.

Rocketman1 wrote:

Atom Alexander Ames wrote:I like remakes but I haven't seen a lot of the originals so a comparison is hard for me to make.

You would probably be upset if you seen the originals and then see how bad the remakes are.

This! And like Ophion said, there should be a law against remaking any movie that is considered a classic. We need to start a petition to get certain movies on a list that would be illegal to remake. But I'm sure that will never happen because the companies that own the rights to these movies don't care if their reputation is ruined with these bad remakes because they are all about one thing, the money.

Here are some more terrible remakes you forgot to mention-

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - the worst remake ever made
The Wicker Man (2006)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
Poltergeist (2015)
Godzilla (1998)
Psycho (1998) - Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates, 'nuff said
Ghostbusters (2016)

There are lots more but these are the ones I can thing of right now.

Google 'worst movie remakes of all time' and find this link here - http://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/reboots/248590/116-movie-remakes-and-reboots-currently-in-the-works

116 movie remakes in the works right now? That's right, 116. Christ, Hollywood, get your damn act together before Farva has to come over there and drop kick your asses.

So lets see what movies are being remade.

Ace Ventura (without Jim Carrey) - fail
Aladdin - directed by Guy Ritchie, that might be interesting
The Batman - Ben Afflac as Batman is probably the worst decision anyone has ever made
Beauty and the Beast - Emma Watson, yeah I am going to watch that! Good thing for mute buttons
Big Trouble in Little China - Starring The Rock. LMFAO!!!! Get the fuck outta here :::(EDIT by OPHION... someone should make a porn remake of this movie and call it Big Penis in Little Vagina ):::
Car Wash - How can you top Pryor and Carlin? You can't, so why try? I bet that little runt Kevin Fart will be in it.
Clue - My favorite movie as a teenager. This one stings.
The Craft - Such a great and unique movie. Well, not anymore
Cube - I'd watch a Cube remake
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Nope, it will end up starring lame ass comic actors from this era. Oh well, at least Dane Cook isn't getting acting jobs anymore
Dungeons & Dragons - If I were a film maker I would make this the best movie ever
Escape From New York - Who the hell they gonna get to play Snake Pliskin?

Ok I am bored so I'm not going to look through the rest of that list.

I'm on board with banning all remakes!

"I bet that little runt Kevin Fart will be in it."

LMFAO!!!!!

Charlie Sheen's Penis wrote:"I bet that little runt Kevin Fart will be in it."

LMFAO!!!!!

I don't see why he is so big (insert Peter Griffin laugh...) right now. He's not funny at all. In fact, he is fuckin' annoying!!

I agree with everything in this thread.

There have been a lot of great remakes over the years but the more recent ones have lacked in creativity. Honestly it just seems like the film makers do not care about the movies and just want to cash in. As was mentioned before though, acting is not what is used to be either and that could factor in to why the remakes have been so poor. You can't expect to have a successful remake when you are casting terrible actors. Someone mentioned Ed Helms playing as Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun remake and that is just wrong on every level.

Rod Farva wrote:Here are some more terrible remakes you forgot to mention-

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - the worst remake ever made
The Wicker Man (2006)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
Poltergeist (2015)
Godzilla (1998)
Psycho (1998) - Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates, 'nuff said
Ghostbusters (2016)

There are lots more but these are the ones I can thing of right now.

Psycho wasn't all that bad but I agree that Vince Vaughn sucked. No surprise there.
Ghostbusters wasn't actually a remake but still sucked.
Nightmare on Elm St remake was disappointing.
The Wicker Man may have been the worst remake of all time.
Did not see the Poltergeist remake.

Cropduster wrote:

Rod Farva wrote:Here are some more terrible remakes you forgot to mention-

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - the worst remake ever made
The Wicker Man (2006)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
Poltergeist (2015)
Godzilla (1998)
Psycho (1998) - Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates, 'nuff said
Ghostbusters (2016)

There are lots more but these are the ones I can thing of right now.

Psycho wasn't all that bad but I agree that Vince Vaughn sucked. No surprise there.
Ghostbusters wasn't actually a remake but still sucked.
Nightmare on Elm St remake was disappointing.
The Wicker Man may have been the worst remake of all time.
Did not see the Poltergeist remake.

vince Vaughn was good in dodgeball but sucks otherwise

Good news (potentially)... IMDb still lists the Naked Gun remake as "in development," but no longer has Ed Helms listed as playing Frank Drebin. I'm still against this movie being remade, but having Helms play Drebin was one of the worst things any film maker could have done. He still might end up playing the role, but hopefully not.